Finding My Happiness: Why I Took a Blogging Break

[vc_row parallax=”content-moving” css=”.vc_custom_1531935834131{margin-top: -50px !important;}”][vc_column parallax=”content-moving”][vc_column_text css_animation=”fadeIn”]Time. It’s a funny thing, isn’t it? It’s said that time, this intangible and imperceivable concept, can heal our wounds. That when we’re hurting the most that’s all we really need. We’ve all heard it, that the best thing to do in these instances is to step back, take a minute, or two, (or three), and let time do what it does.

For me, time was what I needed to gain perspective. I had gone through something, and I needed time to process and arrive at a point where I could articulate what happened. For some reason, I couldn’t verbalize my experience. All I could do was give myself the time because I just couldn’t put my finger on why I otherwise couldn’t effectively write about it. I had to let it all play out and come out on the other side. Only time would tell.

[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row full_width=”stretch_row_content_no_spaces” parallax=”content-moving” css=”.vc_custom_1531859200108{margin-top: -60px !important;}”][vc_column parallax=”content-moving”][vc_single_image image=”4267″ img_size=”full” alignment=”center”][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column css=”.vc_custom_1531859258517{margin-top: -60px !important;}”][vc_column_text]Photos by Red Lemon Art & Photography [/vc_column_text][vc_column_text css_animation=”fadeIn”]

Reflecting on the Past

What I didn’t know then that I know now was that taking a break from this blog wasn’t a choice, it just happened. As difficult as it was for me to step away from this platform, my happy place, I couldn’t force it. And let me tell you, I tried. Boy, did I try. I wrote this blog post 3 times over in the last 6 months. I spent hours and entire weekends pouring over the keyboard. I even took different photos on a few occasions that I thought would be fitting (more on why I chose these later). I tried to make myself, I felt I owed that to those who read this blog of mine, I committed to something, to being a blogger, and I owed you, the readers, an explanation. But it was impossible without time, it just didn’t feel right. I wanted to share all the details, what triggered it all and most importantly what I learned from it. But I couldn’t let something out into the world that didn’t fully express how I felt, that didn’t capture the whole story in its entirety. I wanted to paint a complete picture and that meant stepping back and taking a break from blogging. I needed to wait, to fully digest because until then I just didn’t know what it was that I was trying to say.

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The Beginning

For me, it started slowly as life turned a sharp and unexpected corner. That may sound exciting, but it wasn’t. It wasn’t enlightening, or eyeopening. It was jarring, and I didn’t even realize what was happening. It wasn’t obvious. It was like a slow growth, a gradual all-encompassing pain, eating away at my happiness. And as it grew it started to sting.

You see, I am a natural planner. I live by my daily agenda, to-do lists, and schedule my days as much as I possibly can. I’m one of those responsible people, I created a plan for my life and followed it to a T. I’ve always leaned toward following the straight and narrow. As such, I took the predetermined steps towards success: straight A student, a few degrees under my belt, and a well-designed path for what I was going to do with my life. I had decided what my career would be and what I would do for work. I became an educator, and I had landed a good job in my field designing curriculum. That was it, done. No need to overthink it, I just had to work hard. Onwards and upwards towards the life I had designed for myself.

[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column width=”1/2″][vc_gallery interval=”3″ images=”4255,4257,4259,4256″ img_size=”full” onclick=”” css=”.vc_custom_1531855975352{margin-bottom: -50px !important;}”][/vc_column][vc_column width=”1/2″][vc_column_text css_animation=”fadeIn” css=”.vc_custom_1532140888821{margin-top: 50px !important;}”]Seeing this plan through became my entire focus. I let blogging fall to the wayside because I told myself I was too busy. I told myself I didn’t have time to reflect, or to think of fun and creative ideas, or to have fun, period. My world became my 9-5 but, I wasn’t enjoying it. I told myself I was being ridiculous, that I was just being lazy. There was no real reason to feel unhappy as I had arrived where I had worked so hard to be. I squashed the negative thoughts and told myself I had to perform, I had to get a good review, move up in the workforce, climb the ladder and build a successful career. I expected this of myself, I demanded it. Failure wasn’t an option, so I put in the time, got er’ done and as such, I was rewarded. The title, compensation, and job security I strived to attain was on the immediate horizon. Easy choice and perfect on paper, right?

I trudged forward, eyes on the prize. I didn’t think about the cost of making it a reality because I was moving in the designated direction. It didn’t matter that I lost sleep, that I worried and felt anxious 99.9% of the time, or that I wasn’t sure that I actually liked what I was doing. I was succeeding at work. I was persevering, determined, and building resilience. My boss was pleased, I was making my mark and I was excelling in my career.

So why then did I still feel as though I wasn’t quite where I belonged? I was good at it, my coworkers were lovely, and I enjoyed many aspects of it. But on the whole, I found myself quieting this nagging feeling. Why in the face of success was I questioning whether I was truly happy doing what I was doing with most of my time?

Because I wasn’t. Although everything had gone completely according to plan, I was unhappy.

I had performed well at work, yet I was sad, gloomy, and I didn’t even recognize myself. I questioned where smiling, bubbly Anna had gone. It took me a long time, lots of tears, and one too many rides on the emotional rollercoaster to face reality. Ultimately, I came to understand that it just wasn’t worth it. I had to spend my days working passionately, towards goals that excite me, where I’m learning each day and exuding oodles of energy (because frankly, I have too much of it), pouring myself into something I’m unapologetically enthusiastic about. Something that feeds my soul, even if it wasn’t according to the original plan. I had to stray from my well-marked path, and that absolutely terrified me.

But, it was the only choice, and to be honest, it wasn’t a choice. It was the only way I could stop spinning. Success doesn’t necessarily lead to happiness but I had to learn that the hard way.

So, I left perfect on paper and walked away. I gave my notice and took a leap of faith.

And instead, I set out to find work that not only makes me feel accomplished, but fills me with a sense of excitement and fulfilment too.

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A Snapshot in Time

Although these photos are from quite some time ago and I’ve already shared some on social and on other parts of my blog, I couldn’t think of a better fit for this post. These were taken at the height of the drama, at what felt like a significantly tumultuous point in my life. These shots are cheerful, lively, and taken at a local fair on a beautiful summer evening by the impeccably talented photographer and friend, Ashlee of Red Lemon Art & Photography. At this moment in time, Ashlee knew exactly what I was going through, and she could relate (as it turns out, so could a few other friends). She was there to remind me of the importance of letting go and having some fun when life gives you lemons (that joke is just for you, Ashlee). She knew it was integral for us to do so when life got tough, when you’re just not sure what else to do with yourself. In those moments, go back to your roots, to what you know. Ask yourself: what is my outlet?

[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_single_image image=”4260″ img_size=”full” alignment=”center”][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text] [Tweet “The end product of our work should delight us like the sight of pink cotton candy.”]My outlet has always been engaging in something creative. In some of these photos, I can see how hard I’m trying to do just that, get back to me. On the surface, I’m my smiley self, but when I look closely I can see it in my eyes. How hard I was trying to circle back to some semblance of familiarity when life decided to throw me a curve ball. This evening with Ashlee reminded me that working creatively, challenging myself, and continuously learning is where my happiness lies. We should feel energized by our work, and the end product should delight us like the sight of pink cotton candy. So, although these images are a year old, are vibrant, colourful, and maybe somewhat ironic, they’re not just photos of a happy blonde girl in a joyous place. They’re some of the most meaningful photos I’ve ever taken. Life is a wild ride, so why not pose in front of a few?

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Reflecting on the Future

When I look back at the last year and think about why it all happened, in hindsight it’s obvious to me (that’s always the way). I stopped doing me and instead, focused on doing what was expected. I became fixated on my own expectations of adulthood. I treated my blog like some silly pastime when in reality, it’s my joy and my creative escape. It’s my yoga, my meditation, my self-built space free of judgement and rules. It’s where I first started to play and learn, to try my hand at establishing something for myself, something that would allow me to share and connect with others. A little corner of the internet I carved out and dove into, just for the fun of it. I lost sight of how important all of that is to me and for me. This work, spending my days engaging communities, it’s something I thoroughly enjoy. I didn’t even realize just how much knowledge I have picked up along the way.

[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column width=”1/2″][vc_column_text css_animation=”fadeIn” css=”.vc_custom_1532141234517{margin-top: 50px !important;}”]The funny thing is, a month after I took that leap of faith and chose to believe in myself instead of my well-constructed plan, I ended up landing a role that requires me to build upon the skills I first developed right here. I’ve been working in digital marketing for Queen’s University, still within education, but in a creative, challenging, and engaging capacity that suits me. I spend my days talking marketing, editing websites, producing content, and managing social media accounts while collaborating with a wonderful team of people.

Isn’t life strange? I never expected that this little blog of mine would serve as a space where I initially honed the skills I would ultimately use in my career. Outside of my full-time gig I also freelance in social media consulting, work as an influencer, and get to support and share the brands and initiatives I love, locally and beyond.

Now, I’m still learning to balance it all. It’s hard to spend all day living in HTML code land and then do more of the same in producing this blog, and I’ve definitely fallen prey to worrying about expectations now that my work and my pastime are more closely related. But, I’m discovering how to let go of all of that. This is my space, a place I created where I could just be and share with you. Where I just let the words fly out of my fingertips like they did when I first started blogging over 3 years ago. No pressure, no stringent plan, just an authentic account of my experiences, good and bad, in hopes that it resonates with others who may be going through something similar.

Oddly enough, I wrote this entire blog post in just a few hours. It didn’t take eons like it did during my first few attempts because when the time is right, it’s right. I promise now that this is off my chest I can get back to celebrating fun fashion, delicious food, exciting travels, and life’s little lessons (I guess we’ll consider this post part of that category). The floodgates finally opened, and it’s like a breath of fresh air.

It’s good to be back!

The few friends and loved ones I confided in along the way were endlessly encouraging, understanding and there to remind me to follow my heart (you know who you are). If you’ve been through something similar, I’d love to hear it. Whether it’s changing your life plan, starting a new career, experiencing writers block, or taking a hiatus from blogging. Send me a message, comment below, or connect with me on social. Whatever you’re comfortable with.

[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][vc_column width=”1/2″][vc_single_image image=”4273″ img_size=”full”][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_single_image image=”4280″ img_size=”full” alignment=”center”][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]I’m so grateful for all of you, thank you for your support over the last three years. That connectivity, that human experience, whether it’s right here at home in Kingston, or halfway across the world, I hope that in sharing some of my story it helps someone else out there who may be struggling. Because that is after all, why I do this whole blogging thing.

Anna

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